Myself

How to win myself back in moments when everything seems so hopeless and empty within? Even though nothing so bad has happened to welcome this feeling but fighting this force feels so impossible. And somehow positive self-talk also is not working… It does not reach my heart completely and I am here sitting wrapped in my emotions and thoughts which do not help at all. Just bringing back to the dark side and it feels like all heard talks and read books about positive thinking have been erased from my mind. I know I should not allow myself to feel like that and not succeeding to overcome it feels like I am failing. And in those moments I allowed myself to call weak. Weak to not be able to get together and enjoy the moment, weak for letting myself down and allowing other people emotions influence me. As much as I know I should not do that I just cannot stop it. It gets hard to be left with these thoughts and feelings that I have no will to step into the good side. It feels much easier to give up and not ask for anything and be just invisible. Just so everyone could leave me alone.

It seems so tempting to give up and to think that then I will have my peace and I will feel safe. Maybe for a moment there will be some kind of peace in a sense I do not need to fight for myself or ask for something. But as long as I am deciding to hide from outside I will go all the time in circles which will always lead to more pain and unhappiness within myself.

So after going in many circles and returning always in the same emotional state I started to search for some answers to understand how I can break the circle and feel better. And one thing I realized is that after saying and thinking to myself all these negative things and making me feel much worse there will be no one who will help me to get out of it except myself. Only I am responsible for my own happiness and the way I am thinking about myself. And because I am allowing myself to have a low self-belief I will not be able to overcome my fears. My whole life has been evolved around what other people will think and I cannot let others down. But I did not realize that the most harmful thing I am doing is letting myself down and completely forgetting what I am thinking and what is important to me.

And then in those moments when I feel like nothing is almost helping and thoughts about others are not stopping, I try to remember:

A small kid who is sitting alone and wondering why something is happening the way it is. And I am letting the kid know that I am there and I will not let you down because you are the most important thing and I will fight for you always. I will put you first and make sure that you are happy.

Even though it is not always 100% successful but somehow finally I am starting to see a sunlight in myself and the grey times are getting easier to overcome. Because instead of talking to myself I am more listening what is important to this kid within myself. I never thought in this way before and that is why I thought the right thing is to hide. So after I decided I will finally try to first listen to myself and be there for me it started to get slowly better. And also it is fine to not feel ok all the time and it does not mean I am weak, it is just a matter of practice and by choosing not giving up makes me strong.

Keep on listening in this small kid within you!

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