Yesterday I thought I had enough push to speak up for myself and ask for some explanations. I thought I am well prepared and I knew the things I will say and how I will argument my reasons. I promised myself that until my 30th birthday I will be treating myself much better and basically overcome my fears of speaking up and judgment. And I thought I am so ready to do it..
I thought I am calm and I am not feeling any anxiety and so I went in the room to speak. I started my saying about the subject and after first words my voice started to shake and I could not believe inside me that it is happening again. I had such a fear to continue my speech, to argument my thoughts, that I was unconsciously starting to avoid the issues about which I truly wanted to talk and I just made it sound like I had some small worries. However, I managed to ask my main question and to get an answer it was just a small part of the whole purpose. After returning to my place I felt so devastated about myself. The only thought was how I could let myself down and allow fears again to rule me. I thought that I have managed to get better in this area but somehow that day was exception. And it hit me quit hard and that evening I was feeling upset and I just could not believe I let myself be weak. Even more knowing that in a few days I will have my birthday meant I have not succeeded and I have failed.
But today during the day I somehow gained back my perspective and even though my first thoughts were that I have failed it was not so. Actually I did not fail anything because I tried to speak up even though I was afraid. And that makes the biggest difference – before I would not do it or tried to avoid it as much as I can. And I just need to remember that more often and be more kinder to myself, especially in situations when the first thought wants to be – how you could fail. Also I should not have set any unrealistic deadlines for myself and expect miracles – it takes time. It is all about training and willingness. Because I want to get better – I will.
Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world. Pema Chödron