Somewhere in between

I feel like I am somewhere on the way up but I am struggling to move forward. I just feel like I am somehow stuck in myself and not being able to completely get out of my old thinking way. To get out of my prison of not trusting myself, doubting and fearing if I will make the right choices. It feels like an inside struggle between two thoughts: to doubt or to trust myself. And apart from that if I am more allowing to doubt myself it opens a box full of further fears and restrictions towards myself. So I am floating somewhere between being on the good side and then back on the negative side. I know in my rational part that I should just move on and trust myself but here I am again having doubts.

Especially when now when there are some professionally and personally related decisions I need to make I feel that my balance is getting more unstable. While analyzing my behavior I noticed that I am looking for some answers which would magically pop up and I would know what to do but it does not happen and then I start to feel anxious. I am just unable to fully make a decision without having someone’s approval or the same opinion. It feels scary when my thoughts differ from someone and then I start to doubt until I loose my inner voice and I sometimes make the wrong decision. I know that this way of thinking is wrong and I am improving myself step by step but still I am having my inner struggles to listen. I have just built an inside prison for myself and it is hard to get it out.

Even though I have read a lot of different helpful books and listened to motivational talks I feel that something is still missing that I need to adopt in my behavior and thinking but I am on the way to find it out. My head is full with various information and when I read through some articles it feels so easy to just change and adopt something new but in reality it is quite hard and for me one of the most important steps is practice. I am just forcing myself everyday to practice to make my own decisions and to trust and not to feel guilty afterwards. Starting from small everyday decisions to finally being able to make bigger steps without looking so hard for approvals. I can say that practice makes better but the journey is challenging.

You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is a bravery. the idealist

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