Example not to follow

While going through life I have met different people and I have had a chance to observe them around myself – from family members to friends. And of course life happens and we have not so pleasant experiences and interactions with others. But I always ask myself why people would repeatedly or intentionally hurt their own children and someone else they love – with words, actions and their behavior. Even more to release their anger or stress in this way and not taking into account how it could affect the other person. Especially how it can affect a kid who is just starting to understand the world and getting excited about it. I think home should be a place to feel safe and loved because there are already so many things happening outside. Also relating to a person someone loves – to be hurtful and cause repeated pain. Why? What has happened to them to continue to hurt loved ones like the way someone caused the pain to them.

I just look at all that and I still cannot understand. Even more when pain is caused for years and while knowing that it is wrong it is still happening. I know for myself that all the painful experiences serves for me as an example and reminder to not be that kind of person. I know how it is to come home and not to feel protected from outside and I do not want to ever make someone I love to make experience that.

Don’t hurt anyone. It only takes few seconds to hurt people you love, and it can take years to heal. Nanu Thakuri

 

 

Rules of mind

It is quite fascinating how a persons mind can play with feelings, understanding oneself and the perception of the outside world. How mind can make build walls inside a person to protect from certain situations, people and oneself. And while living like that it is almost impossible to convince the mind to give a break and let go. That it is not anymore necessary and there are no threats around. But still it is like an ongoing engine sometimes slowing down but never stopping.

Even though I have decided to change the way I think in some ways, I still have many rules I am unconsciously following. While looking at my own mind, the behavior of myself and thoughts I noticed a pattern, that for me the most biggest rule comes from the fear of judgment. It just spreads through the whole body and takes over my mind whenever I face potential triggers. The biggest challenge is to keep the rational mind on in close relationships. Once it comes to different opinions or trying to follow my instincts I just step back and feel stuck between my rules – to please others to be liked or to do what is best for me so I would like myself. And it is still hard to do the right thing for me because I have always followed my rule.

Of course for every rule I created in my mind I had a reason in my past. Long time ago I did not have someone giving me advise that everything will be fine and that all bad things will pass. I am learning this just now and this has allowed me to better understand my mind and how I can try to force it to let go of these rules. Furthermore, while talking with other people about similar struggles I was amazed how mind can project things and it is so sad how a mind can lock in someone to fear so much of outside and even oneself. For now I am still my own mind prisoner but just for a bit more..

Rule your mind or it will rule you. Buddha

 

Just another day

Today is one of those days when my brain just wants to be dark. It only wants to hold to the darkness and I can feel inside how my bully is just waiting to start her debates about myself, the day and my future. If I will allow these debates to happen it will only take a few seconds and I will be at the same place where always – trying to keep my head above water and not to drown in negativity. I can clearly feel the whole day the battle happening inside myself, how my heart becomes heavier and I can feel the anxiety trying to come out. But I clearly now I do not want it to happen so today it takes a bit more to stay on the positive track.

So today is just another day but with more effort to keep my promise and to be good to myself and not allowing myself to be influenced by other problems and people.

The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. – H. Jackson Brown

 

 

 

 

Practice

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These past few days are improving my state of mind and more peacefulness is entering in myself. I think constant discipline on which thoughts to take into account and which everyday situations to try to let go is slowly starting to work. Also when starting to judge myself I am trying to stop and analyze if there was something I could do or it was out of my power to change it. And when I see I am only responsible for my bad mood I just accept that and instead of judging myself I am doing everything I can do to improve the respective situation.

So I am also trying to find ways to more help myself to overcome my issues instead of thinking how bad everything is because I am only able to change it. And last week I started a meditation challenge by Sarah Blondin in Insider Timer. The second mediation was about clearing dust form the body – I needed to imagine a tornado in front of me which was a symbol of all negativity. And so I needed to stand and while breathing strongly I was assuring how strong my legs are and no tornado could move me. So while I was continuing to breath the tornado disappeared bringing the sunlight back. Somehow this exercise affected me a lot in a good way and I tried to practice it also during the week whenever I felt I am loosing balance inside myself. And it helped to switch the focus from a negative situation towards more calmer thinking and react rationally not going into fear mode.

Secondly to have more positive, encouraging talk about myself and trying to silence my inner bully which sometimes is just waiting to come out and explode but as I was writing in one of my blogs before the bully inside is always there as long as you decide to break up this relationship. And also doing more sports and quitting coffee helps me to better structure my thoughts and feelings and I do not have the reason to judge myself of not being healthy because I am working on that. As hard as it is practice makes better and also practicing my mind is a challenge which is slowly moving forward. I know that the biggest issue to keep my balance is when something negative happens where I just automatically want to give up on everything and I know in regards of that I have still a lot to improve.

Also starting to write my blog has also been some type of therapy for me. Even though it took some time to finally start it, whenever I have finished writing all my negative thoughts have almost disappeared  and it just feels good.

Lets see how the next week goes but I am keeping my promise to practice.

You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head, be kind to yourself. tinybuddha.com

 

Notes to myself

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Notes to myself:

  • do not loose your inner voice – if you think you have lost it listen again it is all the time whispering inside;
  • no matter what you know what is best for you. You can feel it in your guts when something feels wrong;
  • do not be afraid to step up – you are compromising your own life;
  • do not give up even if you feel you do not hear anything inside – you are not alone just keep listening and you will hear;
  • if it is necessary force yourself to speak up and after some time you will do it naturally – just step by step;
  • do not expect from anyone anything;
  • it is ok to be afraid – it is just one part of you;
  • you can do whatever you want  – you will be fine;
  • first be kind towards yourself and then think about others.

 

Expectations

While studying and working abroad I am constantly meeting different people from all over the world. And after getting to know better some of them it is interesting to observe and see how some people define expectations for others but when it comes to them these expectations do not apply. They expect certain behavior form others and if it is not happening as they have thought then either they are upset or starting conflicts.

I am kind of person who is trying to have a balance and peace in my relationships with family or friends. So in order to have that sometimes I tend to have more understanding for others than toward myself. And I compromise on too much things I shouldn’t because to not have a conflicts. I just feel powerless and frozen in conflicts especially when I am not able to rationally state my opinion and defend myself. And so after meeting people who are having almost zero understanding towards me but who are expecting that whatever they do they will be understood it makes me feel angry. But angry inside about myself because I am not being able to step up and ignore it and do anyway what I consider best for me. And so I am putting myself on hold in order to not have a conflict. I know I should be much smarter and to just let go of these kind of situations but I am not there yet.

I have always thought that all good and bad situations in life and people I meet provide me with useful lessons. After realizing my struggles with myself I know I have met these kind of people to push my limits and finally set myself free from my fears and putting myself second. I understand that everyone has their own inner fights but I do not think it gives anyone rights to seek conflicts in order to feel better or setting one way expectations and at the same time deciding that they do not apply to them. At the end the most important thing is to be kind and loving to ourselves and others especially when it comes to family and friends.

Somewhere in between

I feel like I am somewhere on the way up but I am struggling to move forward. I just feel like I am somehow stuck in myself and not being able to completely get out of my old thinking way. To get out of my prison of not trusting myself, doubting and fearing if I will make the right choices. It feels like an inside struggle between two thoughts: to doubt or to trust myself. And apart from that if I am more allowing to doubt myself it opens a box full of further fears and restrictions towards myself. So I am floating somewhere between being on the good side and then back on the negative side. I know in my rational part that I should just move on and trust myself but here I am again having doubts.

Especially when now when there are some professionally and personally related decisions I need to make I feel that my balance is getting more unstable. While analyzing my behavior I noticed that I am looking for some answers which would magically pop up and I would know what to do but it does not happen and then I start to feel anxious. I am just unable to fully make a decision without having someone’s approval or the same opinion. It feels scary when my thoughts differ from someone and then I start to doubt until I loose my inner voice and I sometimes make the wrong decision. I know that this way of thinking is wrong and I am improving myself step by step but still I am having my inner struggles to listen. I have just built an inside prison for myself and it is hard to get it out.

Even though I have read a lot of different helpful books and listened to motivational talks I feel that something is still missing that I need to adopt in my behavior and thinking but I am on the way to find it out. My head is full with various information and when I read through some articles it feels so easy to just change and adopt something new but in reality it is quite hard and for me one of the most important steps is practice. I am just forcing myself everyday to practice to make my own decisions and to trust and not to feel guilty afterwards. Starting from small everyday decisions to finally being able to make bigger steps without looking so hard for approvals. I can say that practice makes better but the journey is challenging.

You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is a bravery. the idealist