Today is one of those days when my brain just wants to be dark. It only wants to hold to the darkness and I can feel inside how my bully is just waiting to start her debates about myself, the day and my future. If I will allow these debates to happen it will only take a few seconds and I will be at the same place where always – trying to keep my head above water and not to drown in negativity. I can clearly feel the whole day the battle happening inside myself, how my heart becomes heavier and I can feel the anxiety trying to come out. But I clearly now I do not want it to happen so today it takes a bit more to stay on the positive track.
So today is just another day but with more effort to keep my promise and to be good to myself and not allowing myself to be influenced by other problems and people.
The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. – H. Jackson Brown
These past few days are improving my state of mind and more peacefulness is entering in myself. I think constant discipline on which thoughts to take into account and which everyday situations to try to let go is slowly starting to work. Also when starting to judge myself I am trying to stop and analyze if there was something I could do or it was out of my power to change it. And when I see I am only responsible for my bad mood I just accept that and instead of judging myself I am doing everything I can do to improve the respective situation.
So I am also trying to find ways to more help myself to overcome my issues instead of thinking how bad everything is because I am only able to change it. And last week I started a meditation challenge by Sarah Blondin in Insider Timer. The second mediation was about clearing dust form the body – I needed to imagine a tornado in front of me which was a symbol of all negativity. And so I needed to stand and while breathing strongly I was assuring how strong my legs are and no tornado could move me. So while I was continuing to breath the tornado disappeared bringing the sunlight back. Somehow this exercise affected me a lot in a good way and I tried to practice it also during the week whenever I felt I am loosing balance inside myself. And it helped to switch the focus from a negative situation towards more calmer thinking and react rationally not going into fear mode.
Secondly to have more positive, encouraging talk about myself and trying to silence my inner bully which sometimes is just waiting to come out and explode but as I was writing in one of my blogs before the bully inside is always there as long as you decide to break up this relationship. And also doing more sports and quitting coffee helps me to better structure my thoughts and feelings and I do not have the reason to judge myself of not being healthy because I am working on that. As hard as it is practice makes better and also practicing my mind is a challenge which is slowly moving forward. I know that the biggest issue to keep my balance is when something negative happens where I just automatically want to give up on everything and I know in regards of that I have still a lot to improve.
Also starting to write my blog has also been some type of therapy for me. Even though it took some time to finally start it, whenever I have finished writing all my negative thoughts have almost disappeared and it just feels good.
Lets see how the next week goes but I am keeping my promise to practice.
You will never speak to anyone more than you speak to yourself in your head, be kind to yourself. tinybuddha.com
While studying and working abroad I am constantly meeting different people from all over the world. And after getting to know better some of them it is interesting to observe and see how some people define expectations for others but when it comes to them these expectations do not apply. They expect certain behavior form others and if it is not happening as they have thought then either they are upset or starting conflicts.
I am kind of person who is trying to have a balance and peace in my relationships with family or friends. So in order to have that sometimes I tend to have more understanding for others than toward myself. And I compromise on too much things I shouldn’t because to not have a conflicts. I just feel powerless and frozen in conflicts especially when I am not able to rationally state my opinion and defend myself. And so after meeting people who are having almost zero understanding towards me but who are expecting that whatever they do they will be understood it makes me feel angry. But angry inside about myself because I am not being able to step up and ignore it and do anyway what I consider best for me. And so I am putting myself on hold in order to not have a conflict. I know I should be much smarter and to just let go of these kind of situations but I am not there yet.
I have always thought that all good and bad situations in life and people I meet provide me with useful lessons. After realizing my struggles with myself I know I have met these kind of people to push my limits and finally set myself free from my fears and putting myself second. I understand that everyone has their own inner fights but I do not think it gives anyone rights to seek conflicts in order to feel better or setting one way expectations and at the same time deciding that they do not apply to them. At the end the most important thing is to be kind and loving to ourselves and others especially when it comes to family and friends.
I feel like I am somewhere on the way up but I am struggling to move forward. I just feel like I am somehow stuck in myself and not being able to completely get out of my old thinking way. To get out of my prison of not trusting myself, doubting and fearing if I will make the right choices. It feels like an inside struggle between two thoughts: to doubt or to trust myself. And apart from that if I am more allowing to doubt myself it opens a box full of further fears and restrictions towards myself. So I am floating somewhere between being on the good side and then back on the negative side. I know in my rational part that I should just move on and trust myself but here I am again having doubts.
Especially when now when there are some professionally and personally related decisions I need to make I feel that my balance is getting more unstable. While analyzing my behavior I noticed that I am looking for some answers which would magically pop up and I would know what to do but it does not happen and then I start to feel anxious. I am just unable to fully make a decision without having someone’s approval or the same opinion. It feels scary when my thoughts differ from someone and then I start to doubt until I loose my inner voice and I sometimes make the wrong decision. I know that this way of thinking is wrong and I am improving myself step by step but still I am having my inner struggles to listen. I have just built an inside prison for myself and it is hard to get it out.
Even though I have read a lot of different helpful books and listened to motivational talks I feel that something is still missing that I need to adopt in my behavior and thinking but I am on the way to find it out. My head is full with various information and when I read through some articles it feels so easy to just change and adopt something new but in reality it is quite hard and for me one of the most important steps is practice. I am just forcing myself everyday to practice to make my own decisions and to trust and not to feel guilty afterwards. Starting from small everyday decisions to finally being able to make bigger steps without looking so hard for approvals. I can say that practice makes better but the journey is challenging.
You wake up every morning to fight the same demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is a bravery. the idealist
You’ll achieve your aims when you leave the darkness behind, and agree to become the light.
If my mind has decided to become the light but my heart still is locked in fear and hiding behind the darkness. When there are no big changes coming my way I somehow keep a bit above the darkness in the light. But it is no life without changes and struggles and so easy I slip back into the darkness even though I know I should not. I am constantly looking for the light and still when I could just enjoy it and let it go I choose to not do it.
I am trying to understand where and why it all begun. Why I decided so easy to silence my heart, my desires and dreams. However, I have come so far from where I was, it is still not enough and I am looking for something I even do not know if it makes sense. And so my life goes day by day further. But once something happens or shakes up my day I am back in the darkness having fight inside myself – to win or loose for the day. This fight inside myself feels like a constant battle and I am asking why it is so and why I cannot so easy to stop it. Even though I decided in my mind I will stay in the light I slip away anyway. And in those moments everything I have achieved and experienced makes no matter and so this fight goes on until I have fought myself back in the light. Sometimes it can last for a day but sometimes even weeks.. Those days I feel that I am not able to make the right decision or if I can trust my judgment and it is so much better to hide from everyone. Also I am trying to look for validation from others and thinking that then I will be on a safe side because I am thinking the right way. But what is the right way and for whom is this the right way – I am not thinking in that moment and so only after I see consequences of my decisions made from fear of judgment and no trust in myself I know I made a wrong call again.
To break this cycle has been really hard and I am still on the way. I feel the darkness being close again because of some decisions and changes I need to make. And I am starting to doubt myself and look for validations from others but this time I have caught myself quite early and trying to dig deeper to not loose the trust in myself. Also if before I would without question help someone then now I am much more cautious to whom my help goes because sometimes they ask only because of their own good. And recent events have more opened my eyes in this case or maybe because I started to question more their intentions.
And so I am walking on the edge again but I really hope I will succeed to finally listen to myself without having my 100 excuses and to stop where I need to stop not pushing myself so far I am not able to come back to my true self. Who I do not want to loose in my fights. For now I will just surrender in the peaceful night with some fluffy four leg company and enjoy some good music to stay on the good side for a bit more and maybe I will succeed to not leave it at all.
Since I remember myself I have always lived with a thought that one day I will be living my best life, I will have the job I love and everything will be perfect. I just need to little bit wait and this day will come. No matter if I was in Latvia or now in Germany somehow I am searching for this one day. Even though now when I have succeeded to improve my overall quality of life while living in Germany I am still being under my restrictions and waiting for this day. And while going through some tough times I started to concentrate on this thought that I constantly repeated in my mind. But what if this one day will never come and the life will just pass in one second while waiting for something what is already here? What if this one day is today and I am overlooking the whole idea of enjoying the life?
Since one year I am trying to understand why sometimes I am more concentrating on the bad things and so fast getting into depressive mood. However, now I can feel much safer in financial matters and in general which before was a struggle but still I get a feeling that I can loose everything any moment. And while the whole idea of going from Latvia to Germany was finally to getting out and finding this happy day it did not arrive because I did not really understood that no matter what is happening around that day is now. So I think it was kind of lesson for me to go through life and friendships as I did to understand that this one day is today. No matter what or who is influencing my day it is my choice to make it better and leave all the bad things behind.
I cannot say I have fully accepted today but I am on the way. I know I can deal with situations much better now but it gets tougher when someone is directly influencing my day in any way especially negative so it gets harder to concentrate on the moment and it gets easier to get into negative thinking. And that is one of the main struggles. So I know all people in my life which I have met brought me some kind of lessons which I am starting to learn and accept just recently. I know I will be always quite sensitive to other people behavior but that is for another time.
But today I am saying that this one day is today and no matter what is happening around me I am living for today. I am who I am and for that I am thankful. And I know that soon I will accept today completely..