Fear – one part of my body which is always there. If not active it waits for that trigger moment to attack. Fear – it is starting with a racing heart, hard breathing, heavy feeling in my chest area, shaky hands and just feeling hopeless. Like it will never end and there is no way out to stop it. And in that moment I am alone and no one can help me to escape it. Even more when you are put in a corner and pressured form an outside world – how you stand up for yourself? How to listen to your gut if you are so confused and lost that only word I can hear is to run. Run and never look back but I cannot, I am frozen in the moment. So there I am just sitting looking so calm but deeply inside I am frozen. Frozen form fear and unable to function. Waiting for the storm to pass until the next time.
I ask myself why I am still feeling like that and allowing myself to put me down. Even though one year has passed since I started to work on myself, I am stuck still in my fears and I am feeling like a kid in a school bullied by my classmates and sitting there quietly waiting when it will end. So here I am again wondering what would be if someone then would have finally listened to that girl and helped to feel safe. But it will always stay as a thought because here I am many years later still stuck in my emotions unable to move on and live.
I am not sure if I can ever feel unstuck but I am not yet giving up.
Frozen by fear. Not able to move. Your mind screaming… James Dashner
These last few days have been quite challenging regarding my thinking way. I have been struggling a bit to have a clear and rational thoughts about myself. Even though I do not have a reason to be so hard on myself but I was not able to get back on the good side. And having these self made restrictions in my mind makes it a lot harder to overcome these thoughts. Somehow when I lose my emotional stability I automatically start to have a bad self talk – did I or did I not say something right or did I made wrong decisions instead of just letting go and moving on with myself. And so almost every situation now or in the past have been analyzed and only negative parts have been taken into account.
I have been trying to observe myself during these days as well and it is interesting how my own mind can turn into a small bully. Even though I am constantly working on my emotional state, there are days like these when this small bully takes over and if there are some smaller issue on the way – that’s all – most likely everything is wrong and I am wrong. As much as I have tried to run away from these kind of bullies looking like people, I did not realize I am also behaving like bully. Instead of saying stop, I allow it to happen in the moment when I feel the weakest. Moreover, instead of helping myself I am doing the opposite.
I know these kind of days will repeat again but next time I will try to immediately stop for a second and not allow my bully to take over me when I need myself the most. And maybe it will be much easier to break this circle completely because I have acknowledged from where these negative thoughts are coming and I know with whom I need to break the relationship. Now when I am coming back to the rational side while writing it looks more promising and I am being able to think much clearly without negativity. So will see how it goes next time – lets just stick with the plan and continue to build more healthier relationship with myself.
There will be always bullies around or situations which will bring negativity but lets choose not to be these bullies because from yourself you cannot escape and you need to have a forever friend who will support you through hard times.