10.12.2018 = Compromising

Today is one of those days when I am quite angry of myself because I am still allowing my fears to control my life and behavior. I still have a problem defending my opinion and expressing things important to me. From one point I am trying to be peacemaker even if I see sometimes I will not benefit from that but still because of fear I do it.  From another point there are people who just express whatever dissatisfaction they have without caring about the outcome or considering how other person would feel. And the thought that I am compromising my life because of these kind of people makes me angry. Angry that I am not able to fully step up for myself and I treat myself as a less equal.

But maybe it is good to have a bit of an anger inside because it gives me a kick to push myself further. To just have more and more confidence to not allow fear to control me and to be one more step closer to reach my full potential. I am for sure on the way to have a better self understanding but moments like that when I just compromise too much where I should not have raises a bit of a frustration. So today I will use it to my advantage to not forget and keep moving forward because no one deserves to compromise too much of their own life and happiness. For some it comes naturally but for some like me I need to practice it until I make it.

Remember how much of yourself you are compromising to meet the approval of others. Twisting your personality until it breaks completely. Rachel Wolchin

09.12.2018 = Self – compassion

Do we have enough compassion and understanding towards ourselves? Or it is just better to let some things go and let it be even though we would compromise something just to avoid some conflicts. Especially when around the corner is Christmas and lots of celebrations it so easy to just forget who deserves first the most of your compassion.

I know how great it feels to help someone and bring joy to them. However, sometimes maybe it brings more pressure than joy. Pressure to give the “right” gift to a family member, to plan enough time for everyone or just to not disappoint a friend. And the list goes on especially when there is also a personal relationship involved. So in this case I need to have enough compassion towards my partner so I would not look like I care less about this person. And all of this can be really stressful especially for those who are struggling with social anxiety and fear of judgment. It is so easy to get lost in this circle where you are not included.

So this time of the year I ask you to give yourself a special gift – compassion. Compassion towards yourself, love yourself and to be understanding of all the good and bad moments. No matter how stressful you are feeling try to come back to yourself and start building again your circle but now first including yourself. And to have a happy you is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and then to others.

Self – compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. Christopher Germer

 

05.12.2018 = Practice

I have recently started to notice that my practice of speaking up and just doing things which have made me really uncomfortable for many years has been finally working. To finally starting to believe in results and seeing that I can overcome myself has taken me over 1 year and it is definitely an ongoing process. But to see that I can look over my fears and step by step express my true self strengthens my hope that it is possible to be free. Free as I have always wanted to be but did not dare to be. 

Therefore, today I am grateful that I was able to start my journey of practice and no matter how hard or scary it has been I still have managed to push through and move forward. With the practice also came better understanding on how my mind and emotions function. What are the triggers for anxiety and my fears and how to better reduce them. And after each time I pushed myself I realized that actually it is not that terrible and I can do it next time again.

So today I can say that it is true that only by practicing things which make us afraid and uncomfortable will help us overcome them. With time it will get easier and fears will slowly decrease and one day they will be so quiet that you will be living in peace with yourself. Note that practice period for each person is different so do not be discouraged by how long it takes and just push through – because you deserve to be free.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain

03.12.2018 = Be grateful

The most wonderful time of the year is here – magical Christmas time. This December I have decided to write short thank you letters and share some nice experiences in order to be more grateful and inspired to work more on myself and just to appreciate where I am now and how times have changed comparing to some years ago and even last year. I can say that this December I am at much more better place personally and professionally I have not been for a long time. So today I am thankful for believing in myself and not losing my hope that one day it will get better and I have all what it takes to follow my dreams. I am grateful that I am able to finally learn to be good and compassionate first to myself. I am grateful and thankful for all the lessons and people I have met and I am taking them with myself so together with practice I can keep moving forward.

Even though it is important to have a hope for brighter future, it is also important to live in the present. To enjoy the moment with loved ones or sometimes just being alone. I was thinking about it few weeks ago and I came to conclusion that I have most of the time just lived for the future. I did not enjoy my present when I should have and I would say I even was angry at it. So for the next year I am promising to myself not only be more grateful but also live more in the present. Because tomorrow will be another day and it will not be possible to relive that missed present again.

If you live in fear of the future because of what happened in your past, you will end up losing what you have in the present. Nishan Panwar

Notes to myself

2018-08-13 14.14.16

Notes to myself:

  • do not loose your inner voice – if you think you have lost it listen again it is all the time whispering inside;
  • no matter what you know what is best for you. You can feel it in your guts when something feels wrong;
  • do not be afraid to step up – you are compromising your own life;
  • do not give up even if you feel you do not hear anything inside – you are not alone just keep listening and you will hear;
  • if it is necessary force yourself to speak up and after some time you will do it naturally – just step by step;
  • do not expect from anyone anything;
  • it is ok to be afraid – it is just one part of you;
  • you can do whatever you want  – you will be fine;
  • first be kind towards yourself and then think about others.

 

Speaking up

Yesterday I thought I had enough push to speak up for myself and ask for some explanations. I thought I am well prepared and I knew the things I will say and how I will argument my reasons. I promised myself that until my 30th birthday I will be treating myself much better and basically overcome my fears of speaking up and judgment. And I thought I am so ready to do it..

I thought I am calm and I am not feeling any anxiety and so I went in the room to speak. I started my saying about the subject and after first words my voice started to shake and I could not believe inside me that it is happening again. I had such a fear to continue my speech, to argument my thoughts, that I was unconsciously starting to avoid the issues about which I truly wanted to talk and I just made it sound like I had some small worries. However, I managed to ask my main question and to get an answer it was just a small part of the whole purpose. After returning to my place I felt so devastated about myself. The only thought was how I could let myself down and allow fears again to rule me. I thought that I have managed to get better in this area but somehow that day was exception. And it hit me quit hard and that evening I was feeling upset and I just could not believe I let myself be weak. Even more knowing that in a few days I will have my birthday meant I have not succeeded and I have failed.

But today during the day I somehow gained back my perspective and even though my first thoughts were that I have failed it was not so. Actually I did not fail anything because I tried to speak up even though I was afraid. And that makes the biggest difference – before I would not do it or tried to avoid it as much as I can. And I just need to remember that more often and be more kinder to myself, especially in situations when the first thought wants to be – how you could fail. Also I should not have set any unrealistic deadlines for myself and expect miracles – it takes time. It is all about training and willingness. Because I want to get better – I will.

Be kinder to yourself. And then let your kindness flood the world. Pema Chödron