10.12.2018 = Compromising

Today is one of those days when I am quite angry of myself because I am still allowing my fears to control my life and behavior. I still have a problem defending my opinion and expressing things important to me. From one point I am trying to be peacemaker even if I see sometimes I will not benefit from that but still because of fear I do it.  From another point there are people who just express whatever dissatisfaction they have without caring about the outcome or considering how other person would feel. And the thought that I am compromising my life because of these kind of people makes me angry. Angry that I am not able to fully step up for myself and I treat myself as a less equal.

But maybe it is good to have a bit of an anger inside because it gives me a kick to push myself further. To just have more and more confidence to not allow fear to control me and to be one more step closer to reach my full potential. I am for sure on the way to have a better self understanding but moments like that when I just compromise too much where I should not have raises a bit of a frustration. So today I will use it to my advantage to not forget and keep moving forward because no one deserves to compromise too much of their own life and happiness. For some it comes naturally but for some like me I need to practice it until I make it.

Remember how much of yourself you are compromising to meet the approval of others. Twisting your personality until it breaks completely. Rachel Wolchin

05.12.2018 = Practice

I have recently started to notice that my practice of speaking up and just doing things which have made me really uncomfortable for many years has been finally working. To finally starting to believe in results and seeing that I can overcome myself has taken me over 1 year and it is definitely an ongoing process. But to see that I can look over my fears and step by step express my true self strengthens my hope that it is possible to be free. Free as I have always wanted to be but did not dare to be. 

Therefore, today I am grateful that I was able to start my journey of practice and no matter how hard or scary it has been I still have managed to push through and move forward. With the practice also came better understanding on how my mind and emotions function. What are the triggers for anxiety and my fears and how to better reduce them. And after each time I pushed myself I realized that actually it is not that terrible and I can do it next time again.

So today I can say that it is true that only by practicing things which make us afraid and uncomfortable will help us overcome them. With time it will get easier and fears will slowly decrease and one day they will be so quiet that you will be living in peace with yourself. Note that practice period for each person is different so do not be discouraged by how long it takes and just push through – because you deserve to be free.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain

03.12.2018 = Be grateful

The most wonderful time of the year is here – magical Christmas time. This December I have decided to write short thank you letters and share some nice experiences in order to be more grateful and inspired to work more on myself and just to appreciate where I am now and how times have changed comparing to some years ago and even last year. I can say that this December I am at much more better place personally and professionally I have not been for a long time. So today I am thankful for believing in myself and not losing my hope that one day it will get better and I have all what it takes to follow my dreams. I am grateful that I am able to finally learn to be good and compassionate first to myself. I am grateful and thankful for all the lessons and people I have met and I am taking them with myself so together with practice I can keep moving forward.

Even though it is important to have a hope for brighter future, it is also important to live in the present. To enjoy the moment with loved ones or sometimes just being alone. I was thinking about it few weeks ago and I came to conclusion that I have most of the time just lived for the future. I did not enjoy my present when I should have and I would say I even was angry at it. So for the next year I am promising to myself not only be more grateful but also live more in the present. Because tomorrow will be another day and it will not be possible to relive that missed present again.

If you live in fear of the future because of what happened in your past, you will end up losing what you have in the present. Nishan Panwar

The Light

You’ll achieve your aims when you leave the darkness behind, and agree to become the light.

Lords picture_2018If my mind has decided to become the light but my heart still is locked in fear and hiding behind the darkness. When there are no big changes coming my way I somehow keep a bit above the darkness in the light. But it is no life without changes and struggles and so easy I slip back into the darkness even though I know I should not. I am constantly looking for the light and still when I could just enjoy it and let it go I choose to not do it.

I am trying to understand where and why it all begun. Why I decided so easy to silence my heart, my desires and dreams. However, I have come so far from where I was, it is still not enough and I am looking for something I even do not know if it makes sense. And so my life goes day by day further. But once something happens or shakes up my day I am back in the darkness having fight inside myself – to win or loose for the day. This fight inside myself feels like a constant battle and I am asking why it is so and why I cannot so easy to stop it. Even though I decided in my mind I will stay in the light I slip away anyway. And in those moments everything I have achieved and experienced makes no matter and so this fight goes on until I have fought myself back in the light. Sometimes it can last for a day but sometimes even weeks.. Those days I feel that I am not able to make the right decision or if I can trust my judgment and it is so much better to hide from everyone. Also I am trying to look for validation from others and thinking that then I will be on a safe side because I am thinking the right way. But what is the right way and for whom is this the right way – I am not thinking in that moment and so only after I see consequences of my decisions made from fear of judgment and no trust in myself I know I made a wrong call again.

To break this cycle has been really hard and I am still on the way. I feel the darkness being close again because of some decisions and changes I need to make. And I am starting to doubt myself and look for validations from others but this time I have caught myself quite early and trying to dig deeper to not loose the trust in myself. Also if before I would without question help someone then now I am much more cautious to whom my help goes because sometimes they ask only because of their own good. And recent events have more opened my eyes in this case or maybe because I started to question more their intentions.

And so I am walking on the edge again but I really hope I will succeed to finally listen to myself without having my 100 excuses and to stop where I need to stop not pushing myself so far I am not able to come back to my true self. Who I do not want to loose in my fights. For now I will just surrender in the peaceful night with some fluffy four leg company and enjoy some good music to stay on the good side for a bit more and maybe I will succeed to not leave it at all.

 

One day = Today

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Since I remember myself I have always lived with a thought that one day I will be living my best life, I will have the job I love and everything will be perfect. I just need to little bit wait and this day will come. No matter if I was in Latvia or now in Germany somehow I am searching for this one day. Even though now when I have succeeded to improve my overall quality of life while living in Germany I am still being under my restrictions and waiting for this day. And while going through some tough times I started to concentrate on this thought that I constantly repeated in my mind. But what if this one day will never come and the life will just pass in one second while waiting for something what is already here? What if this one day is today and I am overlooking the whole idea of enjoying the life?

Since one year I am trying to understand why sometimes I am more concentrating on the bad things and so fast getting into depressive mood. However, now I can feel much safer in financial matters and in general which before was a struggle but still I get a feeling that I can loose everything any moment. And while the whole idea of going from Latvia to Germany was finally to getting out and finding this happy day it did not arrive because I did not really understood that no matter what is happening around that day is now. So I think it was kind of lesson for me to go through life and friendships as I did to understand that this one day is today. No matter what or who is influencing my day it is my choice to make it better and leave all the bad things behind.

I cannot say I have fully accepted today but I am on the way. I know I can deal with situations much better now but it gets tougher when someone is directly influencing my day in any way especially negative so it gets harder to concentrate on the moment and it gets easier to get into negative thinking. And that is one of the main struggles. So I know all people in my life which I have met brought me some kind of lessons which I am starting to learn and accept just recently. I know I will be always quite sensitive to other people behavior but that is for another time.

But today I am saying that this one day is today and no matter what is happening around me I am living for today. I am who I am and for that I am thankful. And I know that soon I will accept today completely..