10.12.2018 = Compromising

Today is one of those days when I am quite angry of myself because I am still allowing my fears to control my life and behavior. I still have a problem defending my opinion and expressing things important to me. From one point I am trying to be peacemaker even if I see sometimes I will not benefit from that but still because of fear I do it.  From another point there are people who just express whatever dissatisfaction they have without caring about the outcome or considering how other person would feel. And the thought that I am compromising my life because of these kind of people makes me angry. Angry that I am not able to fully step up for myself and I treat myself as a less equal.

But maybe it is good to have a bit of an anger inside because it gives me a kick to push myself further. To just have more and more confidence to not allow fear to control me and to be one more step closer to reach my full potential. I am for sure on the way to have a better self understanding but moments like that when I just compromise too much where I should not have raises a bit of a frustration. So today I will use it to my advantage to not forget and keep moving forward because no one deserves to compromise too much of their own life and happiness. For some it comes naturally but for some like me I need to practice it until I make it.

Remember how much of yourself you are compromising to meet the approval of others. Twisting your personality until it breaks completely. Rachel Wolchin

09.12.2018 = Self – compassion

Do we have enough compassion and understanding towards ourselves? Or it is just better to let some things go and let it be even though we would compromise something just to avoid some conflicts. Especially when around the corner is Christmas and lots of celebrations it so easy to just forget who deserves first the most of your compassion.

I know how great it feels to help someone and bring joy to them. However, sometimes maybe it brings more pressure than joy. Pressure to give the “right” gift to a family member, to plan enough time for everyone or just to not disappoint a friend. And the list goes on especially when there is also a personal relationship involved. So in this case I need to have enough compassion towards my partner so I would not look like I care less about this person. And all of this can be really stressful especially for those who are struggling with social anxiety and fear of judgment. It is so easy to get lost in this circle where you are not included.

So this time of the year I ask you to give yourself a special gift – compassion. Compassion towards yourself, love yourself and to be understanding of all the good and bad moments. No matter how stressful you are feeling try to come back to yourself and start building again your circle but now first including yourself. And to have a happy you is the greatest gift you can give to yourself and then to others.

Self – compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. Christopher Germer

 

05.12.2018 = Practice

I have recently started to notice that my practice of speaking up and just doing things which have made me really uncomfortable for many years has been finally working. To finally starting to believe in results and seeing that I can overcome myself has taken me over 1 year and it is definitely an ongoing process. But to see that I can look over my fears and step by step express my true self strengthens my hope that it is possible to be free. Free as I have always wanted to be but did not dare to be. 

Therefore, today I am grateful that I was able to start my journey of practice and no matter how hard or scary it has been I still have managed to push through and move forward. With the practice also came better understanding on how my mind and emotions function. What are the triggers for anxiety and my fears and how to better reduce them. And after each time I pushed myself I realized that actually it is not that terrible and I can do it next time again.

So today I can say that it is true that only by practicing things which make us afraid and uncomfortable will help us overcome them. With time it will get easier and fears will slowly decrease and one day they will be so quiet that you will be living in peace with yourself. Note that practice period for each person is different so do not be discouraged by how long it takes and just push through – because you deserve to be free.

Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. Mark Twain

03.12.2018 = Be grateful

The most wonderful time of the year is here – magical Christmas time. This December I have decided to write short thank you letters and share some nice experiences in order to be more grateful and inspired to work more on myself and just to appreciate where I am now and how times have changed comparing to some years ago and even last year. I can say that this December I am at much more better place personally and professionally I have not been for a long time. So today I am thankful for believing in myself and not losing my hope that one day it will get better and I have all what it takes to follow my dreams. I am grateful that I am able to finally learn to be good and compassionate first to myself. I am grateful and thankful for all the lessons and people I have met and I am taking them with myself so together with practice I can keep moving forward.

Even though it is important to have a hope for brighter future, it is also important to live in the present. To enjoy the moment with loved ones or sometimes just being alone. I was thinking about it few weeks ago and I came to conclusion that I have most of the time just lived for the future. I did not enjoy my present when I should have and I would say I even was angry at it. So for the next year I am promising to myself not only be more grateful but also live more in the present. Because tomorrow will be another day and it will not be possible to relive that missed present again.

If you live in fear of the future because of what happened in your past, you will end up losing what you have in the present. Nishan Panwar

Just another day

Today is one of those days when my brain just wants to be dark. It only wants to hold to the darkness and I can feel inside how my bully is just waiting to start her debates about myself, the day and my future. If I will allow these debates to happen it will only take a few seconds and I will be at the same place where always – trying to keep my head above water and not to drown in negativity. I can clearly feel the whole day the battle happening inside myself, how my heart becomes heavier and I can feel the anxiety trying to come out. But I clearly now I do not want it to happen so today it takes a bit more to stay on the positive track.

So today is just another day but with more effort to keep my promise and to be good to myself and not allowing myself to be influenced by other problems and people.

The best preparation for tomorrow is doing your best today. – H. Jackson Brown

 

 

 

 

One day = Today

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Since I remember myself I have always lived with a thought that one day I will be living my best life, I will have the job I love and everything will be perfect. I just need to little bit wait and this day will come. No matter if I was in Latvia or now in Germany somehow I am searching for this one day. Even though now when I have succeeded to improve my overall quality of life while living in Germany I am still being under my restrictions and waiting for this day. And while going through some tough times I started to concentrate on this thought that I constantly repeated in my mind. But what if this one day will never come and the life will just pass in one second while waiting for something what is already here? What if this one day is today and I am overlooking the whole idea of enjoying the life?

Since one year I am trying to understand why sometimes I am more concentrating on the bad things and so fast getting into depressive mood. However, now I can feel much safer in financial matters and in general which before was a struggle but still I get a feeling that I can loose everything any moment. And while the whole idea of going from Latvia to Germany was finally to getting out and finding this happy day it did not arrive because I did not really understood that no matter what is happening around that day is now. So I think it was kind of lesson for me to go through life and friendships as I did to understand that this one day is today. No matter what or who is influencing my day it is my choice to make it better and leave all the bad things behind.

I cannot say I have fully accepted today but I am on the way. I know I can deal with situations much better now but it gets tougher when someone is directly influencing my day in any way especially negative so it gets harder to concentrate on the moment and it gets easier to get into negative thinking. And that is one of the main struggles. So I know all people in my life which I have met brought me some kind of lessons which I am starting to learn and accept just recently. I know I will be always quite sensitive to other people behavior but that is for another time.

But today I am saying that this one day is today and no matter what is happening around me I am living for today. I am who I am and for that I am thankful. And I know that soon I will accept today completely..