For me to come to first realizations about myself and how I am working as a person I needed over 20 years and still ongoing. But I never understood quite well that realizing and thinking I know what to do and really working on myself is two different things. That only with realizing I will not become the person I deeply wanted to be. I will say that, from my experiences, work with myself and changing my thinking pattern have been the hardest and I have had days when I would just wish to forget to fight and just to give up to stay as I was before.. But then what is the point of doing anything if I would just give up on myself because no one else except me can help and make a change. And to return back to the state of complete doubt and loss of trust in myself is a dark place to be. I can say that there are no situation or people I could not deal with but the most hardest thing, I learned, is to overcome myself. Because I cannot escape from my own self and the way I am thinking.
Since I remember myself I have been always a shy person and with my own understanding how world works. But somehow since the beginning of my childhood and through my school time, I did not have a proper support from people around me to trust in myself, that I am fine and I do not need to change. And to know that it is ok to be who I am and do things that I like not because it is right or others are expecting that from me. Most important that it is ok that some people think differently and do not like you and I should never try to hide or become a stranger to myself. And so I started to develop a thinking pattern, which I thought is fine, that what I want and what I think is most of the time wrong and especially when someone else did not agree I completely dismissed my opinion. Therefore, I was building my life around false validations from others and while being in Latvia it somehow worked but it did not bring peace within myself. I more or less had the same opinion as others and I was doing what was expected from me; from supporting my family and taking care of them. But somehow deep inside of me I felt so empty. So I tried to find a new job and move out of my parents house but it just did not work. And then one day I decided maybe it is time to move and start something new. And I thought – great – it is a perfect plan.
But at that point I did not realize that it does not matter where I live or work because it will always be my old thinking way which was the cause of my unhappiness with myself and the way how I positioned my life. I falsely thought that everything will magically change but first I needed to change myself and I did not do that. And I did not realize that once I was completely alone in a new country I will loose myself completely. Only after it happened I started slowly to realize that I am the one who did not work on myself and that unconsciously I have been building my new life in the same way with the old thinking pattern. But this time it was more intense because I did not have my safe place where to hide and people who validated me were hundred miles away. And so my new environment was developing and more thoughts about validation and judgment stuck in my head and I was not able to properly evaluate if a situation or a person would be good for me. I was so hard trying to please others that, for example, I ended up in friendships that did not fit me as a person at all. But I was so scared to be left alone and judged by others that I did not understand that. Even though deep inside me I felt that something is not right, my fears were bigger than me.
So 1 year ago slowly something shifted and I started to finally prepare myself for the real move – move in my thinking way. Although it has been scary road and still it is, I can say that everything was and is worth in order to free yourself and to become the version of myself I was born to be.
And to that little girl before starting her life I would like to say:
No matter what you are the strongest person and everything will be fine. You can do anything you want and only you are in charge of your own happiness and success.